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___________________________________________________________________ I thought everytime after crying i will stop crying. But this time i didnt. I thought everytime i got depressed i will be ok after awhile, but this time i didnt. I thought i wouldnt feel hurt after all those words he said, but i did this time. I thought by learning to adapt, i will be able to feel like the others, but this time i didnt. I dont know why words and small things he did can affect me today. Yes i can feel the irritation, and i know you hate having such a student like me. I tried my best to practice, but i didnt know that my practice has no quality. Well, everything is my fault. I have apologized. I know you dont care, i really dont need you to care. Just need not draw it so clear. I know where are the limits, i know. i know. Please stop being like this. can? You are too cold, so cold until now, i can feel it and i feel abit sad with the directness of you. I dont blame you. You are my teacher. I know it, so i dont blame you for being so direct. Just that, i am not used to it. I dont know why i cried in front of you, i didnt want to. I swear i wont cry in front of you anymore. I know u hate it. It is my problem, i will settle myself. I am very sad, not just because of what my teacher said, but also because of my family problems. Sometimes, i need someone there to listen. But i know that they dont dare to near me when i am sad. Only xiangle does. But he is in army. I dont know who to go to. I need someone to tell me what to do, i need someone to give me advices. But, who? where? i dont know anymore. It is not as if i didnt try to solve it myself, but it got worse. When i heard voices today over the phone, like jeremy's, chen lao shi's. I just choked on tears and i cried. But they dont understand. i dont expect them to be either. Chen lao shi told me some things, i think she is right. Just that i missed her suddenly. Then i realised how long i didnt talk to chen lao shi. I realised, i will fall apart when i handle problems alone. It is bad to handle problems alone. So very bad. ____________________________________________________________________ I cant help but doubt myself whether the price to live is anough to keep me beliving in living. I find myself so extra. What am i living for? I really need someone to talk to me and share my pain, i really need someone. PLEASE. i need someone there. who can? please help me. why cant u stay longer to listen to me? |